[***]
Feet...
Feet!
No more feet!
Help me, please.
No more feet!
Help me!
Help!
[SCREAMING]
Feet!
Al, honey, wake up.
You're having a dream.
Oh, Peg. Thank God.
For the first time since the first time,
I'm glad to see you in bed.
It was horrible, Peg.
There were feet everywhere.
Oh, poor baby.
Let me get you a glass of water.
[THEME FROM PSYCHO PLAYS]
[SCREAMING]
Feet!
Al, are you having
that stupid foot dream again?
Go for it, baby.
Go for it.
Just touch anything!
Come on, Peg,
haven't we had enough sex in our lives?
When does it get to be over?
When you're officially dead.
Now, get on!
Aren't my sleeping nightmares enough?
I haven't had a bit of sleep
in two weeks.
There's feet. Feet everywhere.
I'm not going to work tomorrow.
There'll be feet there.
You are such a baby.
You know, I have to stare up your nostrils
all night long.
You don't see me waking up
screaming, "Hair! Hair!"
You know, if the toilet
was just a little bit bigger...
ba-woosh.
I've got to calm myself down.
I'm gonna get a glass of water.
You can't do that, Al.
You'll disturb Marcy.
Why are you letting her stay here?
Because she's lonely, she's our best friend
and she's giving us 25 bucks a week.
I thought you said 10.
Well, I meant
I wish she was giving us 25 bucks a week.
You know, so you could have some.
That's just great.
I can't sleep,
and I can't go downstairs in my own house.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, we could play
"bring the Big Bad Wolf over to this little Peggy. "
You know, you'll huff, and I'll puff, and, uh...
well, that'll be about it.
I don't wanna!
Oh, save your whining till it's over.
MAN [ON TV]: It's your very essence I adore.
Your beauty overwhelms me.
WOMAN: Ah, Charles, take me.
Now.
Yes, Charles, take her.
And when you're done, take me.
[ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[TURNS TV OFF]
I wonder what it feels like to be in someone's arms again.
AL: Please, Peg, you're killing me!
[WHISPERING] Hey, Kelly,
are you sure this is okay?
'Cause last time, your dad swung me around the room
by my earring.
That's just 'cause you touched his remote control.
Don't worry.
[BOTH YELL]
Kelly, help!
An old chick's got me!
You pig!
Ow!
I'm outta here.
I get enough of this at home from my mom's friends.
Well, thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.
That was the third guy this week that I was truly in love with
that you messed up for me.
Kelly...
sit down.
See, I have this...
Well, this problem.
I mean, it's really very complicated.
You're a child.
I probably shouldn't even be discussing it with you.
I doubt you'd even understand.
Horny as a toad, huh?
Bingo.
Look, Kelly,
you're attractive, in a cheap, tawdry sort of way.
What do I have to do to attract a man?
Well, the magazines say to try a new look.
You know, a new hairdo, new lipstick.
Pry that jug out of your mouth.
Well, and then there's this business
with your wedding ring.
I mean, a pretty woman can get away with it,
but...
I think I understand.
But I don't know.
It's just so hard for me to take it off.
It's like admitting to myself
that my marriage is really over.
Which it obviously is...
and has been since wiener-neck
left in the night like a balding thief.
I should take it off, but I just can't.
It's too sacred to me.
Fine.
Then we'll just get you a cat pole.
It's off.
There.
I've done it.
Now I am truly free.
Why did it take me so long to realize
when a simpleton like you knew what I had to do?
I feel great.
I feel renewed.
I'm ready to fly.
Oh, yep. From this point on,
Marcy Rhoades soars like an eagle.
"Simpleton"?
I know that means something bad.
Bud, what's a simpleton?
An idiot, a moron,
dolt, dullard, cretin.
You know, someone a little smarter than you.
Hey.
Aw, look at Mrs. Rhoades.
Isn't she cute?
Peaceful as a baby.
I want her so bad.
Well, maybe I can help you out.
Bud, I'm gonna let you in on some secret woman stuff
that no other man knows.
Oh, man!
Now, shh.
If anybody knows that I told you this,
the sisterhood would strip me of my PMS privileges.
Now, you see, Bud, when a woman sleeps,
her hormones accumulate,
which means that when she wakes up,
she falls in love
with the first man that she sees.
Now, if she stands up and she hasn't seen anyone,
her hormones will fall to her feet
and they will go down the drain
when she showers.
Of course.
I've noticed that when they're standing up,
no girls like me.
But we won't give Mrs. Rhoades the chance.
Now, if I were you,
I would sleep here tonight on the couch.
That way, you're the first thing she sees
and the only thing she wants.
Yowza!
What should I wear?
Your love clothes.
You know, your cowboy jammies.
Your hormones.
My jammies.
You don't stand a chance.
AL: Feet!
No more feet!
Oh...
Mrs. Rhoades!
Oh, great.
Cherry-flavored Zit-Away.
Now we'll see who the simpleton is.
Heh heh.
[ALARM BUZZES]
Oh, no.
Good morning, beloved.
Oh, no!
Oh, no. I couldn't have.
How was it?
I was great.
She wa...
Kel, I can't remember a thing.
Oh, wow.
You know, they say
if a man can't remember anything,
it's the best it'll ever be.
That's exactly what it was like!
There must be some sort of mistake.
[YAWNS]
Good morning.
My... you're up early.
What's going on?
Nothing. Nothing.
I'm late for home.
But nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
[SHRIEKING]
What's with her?
Too much of a good thing.
Morning, son.
Morning, Al.
AL [THINKING]: But, Mom,
I don't wanna work in a shoe store.
AL'S MOM: Don't worry, Al.
Just think of it as a stepping stone.
Someday you'll be the president of your own corporation.
Thanks, Mom.
You want your Bloody Mary now?
Yes, dear.
And rub my feet.
Excuse me.
Are you alive?
No, I've... died and gone to Switzerland.
I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
No need to ask.
The cash register's right over there.
The car's in the parking lot.
Just step on me on your way out.
I would, but I'm here on business.
I was wondering,
we need a place to hold our pageant.
We'd like to use your store.
You can be a judge if you want.
Will, uh...
Will you be a contestant?
Oh, no.
I couldn't possibly compete with these women.
Will you do it? Please?
[WEAKLY] Excuse me.
Yes!
Thank you!
Out of the emptiness,
the void that is my life,
I now can see the light!
I... am... alive!
I'll be there with boobs on.
Bells.
Hey, you okay?
You seem awfully nervous.
Me, nervous?
Don't be silly. I'm fine.
Listen, Peggy,
I've got to ask you something.
Have you ever done anything
that you didn't remember the next day?
Well...
having the kids.
I mean, have you ever done anything
that you really regretted?
Having the kids.
Mother.
Mama.
Ahh!
Gee, what's with him?
I know.
I bet he has a little girlfriend.
Peg.
Peg leg.
Ahh!
Gee, you're in a good mood.
What's wrong?
What could be wrong?
The sun is shining. The birds are singing.
I'm a shoe salesman.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
A shower?
In the middle of the week?
Now I know something's wrong.
Al, you don't even know where the soap is!
Well, babe...
you look good.
I obviously agree with you.
Look, let's clear the air.
Nothing happened.
I am absolutely, positively sure
nothing happened...
but if it did, even though it didn't,
I don't want any rumors getting around.
A gentleman never tells.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, Bud, is this the one?
Yup.
Say "young stuff. "
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Way to go, Bud.
Yeah. All right.
She's old.
You told your friends?
Like you haven't.
Look, babe...
I know what you're feeling for me, but, uh...
I think it might be healthier for the both of us
to continue seeing other people.
I just hope I haven't ruined you
for all other men.
Oh, very nice.
We have something special, and now you just toss me asi...
Wait a second!
What am I talking about?
Nothing happened between us.
Nothing could happen between us.
Nothing ever will happen between us.
So that's it, huh?
Slam, bam, thank you, Bud?
You used me.
I used you?
You're the one who said we should see other people.
I didn't mean to hurt you, babe.
But sometimes
the best way to hold on to something
is to let it go.
Oh, bull.
You're just like all the rest.
It's the age thing, isn't it?
Look, uh, let's not fight.
It cheapens the memory...
even though I don't remember anything.
But we'll always have whatever happened.
Which was nothing.
Whatever gets you through the night.
Friends?
Friends.
Now, would it be all right
if a friend bought another friend
an ice cream cone?
Sure. Why not?
Oh, uh, by the way... you are on the pill?
Oh, my God!
Yeah, and I'm the simpleton.
Tricking them was as easy as one, two, "C."
Al, taking a shower
is more than spraying your shirt
with deodorant.
I wanna know where you're going
smelling like that.
Fine. I'll tell you,
but I don't want any crying.
I'm going to judge a beauty contest.
Hundreds of beautiful women
will be hungering after me.
[LAUGHS]
Where's the other judge so we can start this?
I gotta get back to my hot dog stand.
Don't worry.
Mr. Bundy will be here.
Let the games begin.
Excuse me,
but do you know
how we're supposed to judge this?
Well, the way I look at it,
we give two points for talent,
two points for personality
and, uh, 96 points for hooters.
You're a pig.
And you, sir, are a...
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
I didn't know you were a woman.
Are you?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Bring on the babes!
Yes, well, without further ado,
judges, please take your positions.
Hey, that's a great idea.
We can look up their dresses.
The gods have smiled on Al Bundy!
PAGEANT MASTER: And now, let us choose...
Chicago's ugliest foot!
Those aren't hooters.
Aah! Those are feet!
Feet! Aah!
There were feet everywhere.
Just feet.
Feet, I say! Feet!
PEG: It's all right now, Al.
Let mama make it all better.
All right.
[SCREAMS]
[***]